Dear Mom, Hi, it’s me

It’s been so long, almost 15 years, and I miss you so much. I think about you just about every single day; usually in wonder or regret. There is so much that I wish was different.

I have so many “sorry’s” to say and so many “I wish’s”, and a few “I hopes”. I should have said them all sooner, but I guess now is better than never.

I’m sorry for being such a rotten kid; unkind, disrespectful and a disobedient trouble-maker. Now that I have my own kids, I realize how much kids can hurt your heart and I must have broken your heart so many times, and I’m so sorry. I never even said I was sorry once I was an adult, and I should have. I regret that.

I wish that when I saw your face looking sad or lost that I had gone up and given you a smile and a hug instead of ignoring, judging you or getting mad at you. I’m very sorry.

I’m sorry for when you wanted to play a little game and I snapped at you that it was dumb. I should have played along and made you happy.

You were not the greatest mom. How could you be under your circumstances? But I have grown to understand where you were coming from. Not that it was okay, but I hope you know that I forgive you.

I wish my son had a chance to meet you, and that you had a chance to meet him. I think that you guys would really love each other.

I hope you remember holding my daughter. We will cherish those pictures of you feeding her forever. 

I wish you had found another love of your life.

I thank you for having enough confidence in me to assign me as the executor of your estate, even though I am the youngest. I think everyone wondered why you chose me. I wondered too. It was the most stressful and difficult thing that I have ever done in my life. But I think it matured me and gave me the confidence that I could handle really difficult things. I hope that I did you proud.

I hope that I did the right thing when you died; you know what I’m talking about. I only wanted to follow your wishes, and I hope I did the right thing. That one still burdens my heart.

I’m sorry I was not a better daughter, but I hope you see I just did the best I could under my circumstances too and I hope you still love me and forgive me.

Mom, I hope that anyone who may come across this letter to you will take the time to say their “I’m sorry’s” and “I wish’s” to their loved ones before it’s too late. Regret is a hard thing to carry around for 15 years.

I love you and I miss you.
Your daughter, P.

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