This Saturday is April Fools day. A day historically known for pranks, hoaxes and light-heartedness. I don’t know about your senior, but I don’t think my 92 year old dad would like to be short-sheeted, or find a fake head in his refrigerator! I think that would just about put him over the edge. But he does like a good laugh though, so I thought I’d post some of the best jokes that I found around the internet. Share them with your senior, and have a light-hearted day! (I’ll apologize ahead of time if you don’t like the word “boobies”!)
Thinking that the presidential candidate needed to show a more human side of himself, his committee advised him to visit an old age home. He went into the room of an old man, the nominee was surprised when the old man offered him some peanuts from a bowl on the table. “Thank you”, said the nominee, and he ate a handful of the nuts. The man offered him peanuts 3 more times, and the nominee obliged. “Why don’t you have some yourself?” “Oh, I can’t eat those” said the old man, “I don’t have any teeth.” “So why do you have them?” asked the confused nominee. “Oh, I like the chocolate around it” the older man replied.
An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?” She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”
Reporter-So whats the best thing about being 100?
Old Lady-No peer pressure.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent.
The last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. “Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man” replies the voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
“Nice boobies” says the man, “Where do you want these blinds?”
Two older women died and went to heaven. Upon arrival at the pearly gates, Saint Peter met them and said “ladies, I think that you will really like it here. We only have one rule, and that is not to step on any of the ducks. If you step on a duck they make a horrible noise and it’s an awful commotion”. The ladies thought that it was an easy rule to follow.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, one of the women stepped on a duck. Immediately, Saint Peter showed up with a hideous man; covered in warts, drooling and a huge hunch on his back. Saint Peter took a big chain and chained the woman to the hideous man. He said, as your punishment for stepping on a duck you are sentenced to be chained to this man for all of eternity”.
The second woman thought to herself, “I hope I never step on a duck”. A few weeks later Saint Peter showed up again. This time he brought with him a young handsome man who was very well built and well dressed. Stains Peter immediately chained the woman to the handsome man. “Oh, whatever did I do to deserve you?” She asked the young man. “Well. I don’t know about you, mam, but I stepped on a duck!”
93 year old Morton was dating again. One morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night. It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was. He had proposed to his date, Greta. But what her answer was, he just couldn’t seem to remember. Morton picked up the phone and dialed. “Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?” “Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”
The local news station was interviewing an 85 year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 85, and then about her new husband’s occupation.. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought… He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
“Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?” “Oh,” she said. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?” “No” he replied, “Arthritis”.
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear? ” Mabel answered, “I have a suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is”.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary doctor. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the ambulance!?”
God replied, “My child, I am sorry, I didn’t even recognize you!
Hope you enjoyed!! If you have your own favorite joke, post it in Comments!